[joanna]

“So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s a great balancing act, and will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.” - Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

Instagram: @joanna_hynes

I wrote about my recent change of collegiate venue in my blog post, Transformation Tuesday. It’s a big change, but I expected change.

What I didn’t expect was to not understand graduation.

Theoretically, it makes sense. It’s just like graduating high school - closing one chapter and opening a new one, right?

Graduating high school was easy. I lost my shit a little bit when my parents dropped me off, but that’s to be expected, I think. My roommate cried every time her parents left, every year. I just used up all my tears at once.

So, college graduation - no big deal, right? In fact, probably easier since I was always going back and forth, college and home. Finally moving back home would be easier.

Wrong. So wrong.

I don’t understand this post-grad life. I’ve followed PostGradProblems.com and even enrolled in graduate school to stay a student for as long as possible. Still, I can’t seem to grasp the concept.

I long for college bars.

I long for campus food at my disposal.

I long for my friends being within a 10-minute walk.

I long for college bar prices.

I long for academic advisors who will also invite me out to dinner.

I long for chapter meetings with my sorority every week.

I ask my friends to update me on things that don’t really matter in the real world: How was happy hour? Who’s running for president? What Gasparilla party are you going to? Who was our first social with this year?

I just can’t figure out how to function outside of my beautiful campus. So, I ask - can someone explain graduation to me?

Love Always,
Joanna

“When I dropped him, I shattered.” - Haley Mosley

• “Boyfriend Interview” (above)
• “The Future” (and pretty much everything by Neil Hilborn)
• “On Why I Will Always Come Home”
• “Ten Responses to the Phrase ‘Man Up’”
• “An Open Letter to God From An Atheist”
• “Five Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder” (I also devote this topic to a blog post on its own here)
• “To the Woman Hitting on My Boyfriend”

I’ve also been reflecting on my past relationships a lot lately. I’m writing a comedy book about all the relationship mishaps that have happened to me, and there have been a lot (rivaling this), but on a more serious note, I’ve reflected on How to Know When You Deserve Better.

So as I venture back into the dating world after a short break, I have the following questions:

• Do you dog ear the pages of your books?
• Have you read since high school?
• How much do you tip your waiters?
• How many times have you watched your favorite movie?
• You win the nobel prize - quick, in what?
• Flannel or a bow tie, pick one. (There’s no wrong answer.)
• Would you name your son after yourself?
• Describe how you would tie dye a shirt. Include colors.
• What’s the better feeling: finally peeing after a long car ride or peeling the plastic off something new?
• How many times have you been in love?
• Have many times have you pretended to be in love?
• Tell me an instance where you’d be kissing a boy. Yes, you.
• Did you notice my eyes are brown?
• Did you notice I bite my nails and my lip?
• Are you okay with the fact that I’ll never scratch your back or be able to open shrink wrap on my own?
• Are you okay with the fact that sometimes my lips will be chapped when you kiss me?
• Are you okay with eating salad every day for a week and then fast food the next?
• Are you okay with our bed also being my desk?
• And the characters in my head being the bridal party at our wedding?
• Are you okay with having a short blanket so my feet can stick out?
• Are you okay with sleeping with me? Just sleeping.
• Are you okay with me asking if I’m okay enough?

“I broke up with my boyfriend and then spent the night.”

Love Always,
Joanna

“I felt the extra weight on me. I saw the rolls of fat on my stomach and the way the excess energy pushed out through the stretch marks on my pudgy thighs. In a moment of clarity that led to more than a decade of pain, I had my first real memory: ‘I’m fat.’ I was four years old.” - YeahOkayWhat on Total Sorority Move

I read and reread 5 Reasons to Date a Girl With an Eating Disorder to find the sarcasm that I must have been missing or the call to action at the end that I forgot to read. I found none. This was a serious article written as a serious suggestion for males looking for their next girlfriend.

Not only does the author trivialize the disorder, turning serious mental and physical consequences into relationship perks, but he objectifies the women in the process. In fact, they’re for sale. “In a world where the 'retail price’ on the typical Western woman continues to skyrocket - while their quality continues its precipitous decline - there are some real gems to be found in the bargain bin.”

This ends the first paragraph, so it was difficult to read on without vomiting.

Such instinct grew when I read, “While obesity is, in most cases, also an 'eating disorder,’ this list doesn’t apply to emotional eaters, food addicts, and fatties with no self control.”

I will let Megan Maughan go through the list for you:

Not only is this suggestion list sick and immature and insensitive and probably a few other words, it’s also sad. If a man, sorry…boy, is in a relationship for any of the above reasons, he is not mature enough to handle a relationship. Furthermore, if a boy is in a relationship with a woman with an eating disorder for any of the above reasons, he’s cruel. A woman with a disorder like that needs to be valued and cared for, and instead she’s treated like a strategic move.

I feel like an eating disorder is something that an outsider can’t understand, something that seems extremely insensitive to us as the human race since “According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, 25 percent of college-aged women engage in binging and purging as a weight maintenance technique. That’s a quarter of us.”

Total Sorority move released A Graphic Account of Life With an Eating Disorder Like You’ve Never Heard, and it’s haunting.

Red Band Society, a new drama on FOX, also touches on the topic, more so in Episode 4: There’s No Place Like Homecoming. Meet Emma Chota.


In this episode, Emma goes to Kara’s homecoming because the nurse doesn’t think she had enough socialization activities growing up, being that she lives in the hospital. So, when she gets to the dance, she understandably feels out of place…Until two girls approach her like she’s a celebrity.

“We’ve never seen a size triple zero before in the flesh,” one says. The other agrees, “You’re a real unicorn - rare and beautiful.”

“What’s your secret?” They press. “Two cardio classes on Wednesday? Tabata bootcamp? Visual eating on Mondays, green juice on Fridays, and no food on Sundays?”

When Emma admits to having an eating disorder and living in Ocean Park Hospital, the girls respond in awe: “You’re so committed,” and “I just don’t have the discipline for that.”

As if body dysmorphia glorification wasn’t enough, another character, Leo, later downplays her disorder as a choice. “No one deserves to be pitied,” he tells Emma, “You don’t understand that because…Well, no one pities you, Emma. You don’t have to be in this hospital. You don’t have to be here.”

The show is shining a light on how we dismiss the diagnosis but praise the results. It’s the most dangerous equation for people dealing with low self-esteem and body dysmorphia.

If you (or someone you know) are struggling with an eating disorder, call (630) 577-1330, email anadhelp@anad.org, or visit the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders website and helpline for more information.

Love Always,
Joanna

JMU Women’s Student Caucus

“Harassment is NOT a compliment.” - Vanima

You had to know this one was coming…

I’ve written before about this awful culture where women need to be fearful of their surroundings, and how frustrating it is. It’s so much work to take in everyone’s opinions when the only one that should matter is my own. It’s just a round-robin of blame the victim: “Don’t wear that.” “Don’t go there.” “You asked for it.” “Enjoy it.”

Most of you have seen this video on your Facebook newsfeeds, and if you haven’t actually watched it yet, you should. It’s less than two minutes long. Here it is.


All of this is why I was upset at the backlash from this video. They producers did a good thing by capturing the reality of walking through the streets of New York and condensing it to make it watch-able for the general public. Then, because I’m a fool, I looked at the comments, and I was reminded of the victim-blaming we too-often resort to.

“Don’t wear that.”

“Don’t go there.”

One comment actually suggested that the sidewalk is public property and belongs to the men just as much as the women, so if women didn’t like it they could stay inside. Oh, right, my apologies for walking on the streets of New York City. Instead, I’ll stand in the street while I wait for a cab, and I’m sure that will be safer, and then I’ll pay $85 to get me where I need to go, or I’ll stand on the subway while people pinch my butt or get too close or wink from across the aisle.

“You asked for it.”

“Enjoy it” or “You should be grateful”


“It’s not really a problem.”



Then, there was a race issue…

And the people who just completely missed the point…






There were a few men who agreed that this was a problem, and they agreed that the behavior was disgusting. One man actually posed a full, thought-out feminist view, and he was met with an extremely annoyed reply from the rest of his gender: “Here comes the white night,” they said, and something about “go back to licking women’s asses.” Gross. Gross and unnecessary.

People keep saying that these responses just show that the video hits a nerve, but I disagree. I think that these responses, sadly, show that nothing’s going to change, at least not any time soon. These people ignore the problem at hand and instead turn it on the woman. They talk about her looks instead of the reaction. They talk about her intentions instead of the reaction. They talk about anything but the reaction.

I was reminded of Kendall Jones, and after researching her and looking at her hunting pictures, I saw a lot of comments like, “She’s not even cute,” or “I would never fuck her.” Excuse me, but what does her looks have to do with whether or not she should be hunting an animal?

When a man does something controversial, would people attack their looks, just because? My guess is no.

The actress from the cat-calling video was even threatened, but that doesn’t affect these commenters.

Luckily, someone gets it, and that someone is Buzzfeed.

“Easy for a good girl to go bad, and once we gone, best believe we’ve gone forever.” - Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad

I figured if I was going to post a Transformation Tuesday I’d also include a Throwback Thursday because I like alliterations, and it doesn’t matter what day it is.

The truth is that I haven’t transformed at all; just my location has, and yet, I feel like a whole new person.

And not a new person in the rejuvenated sense, unfortunately.

During my undergrad, I was a fairly good girl. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed drinking and hooking up, but I didn’t wear short skirts and dance on tables. I didn’t sleep with everyone I came into contact with. I didn’t do drugs. I did go to all my classes, and I arrived early. I did sit in the front row. I did join a sorority and followed all the rules that came with that.

Now that I’ve moved across the country for my graduate program, I’m suddenly the bad girl. People see my eyebrow ring and think I’m a sinner. While reading scripts in class, my professor nominated me to read all the parts that use curse words because she knows I’m comfortable with that, even though I’ve never cursed in front of her. My friend enlisted me to read the part of her chronically-single-by-choice character because she knew we were similar. A guy in my class casted me as his bro character because he knew I was “meant to play that part.”

It’s crazy. I don’t hate these assumptions because they’re all true, but I’m not positive what kind of persona I’m putting off to the world either.

I used to go to sex shops as an average girls’ night. I used to get really drunk with all my friends and have no shame about it. I used to sleep with my guy friends because we were mature enough to know the difference between sex and love.

Now people laugh and shake their heads when I talk about sex as if I’m kidding. Now the friends who drink are in the minority. Now I have no guy friends because the two genders are vastly separated.

This is not a life I’m used to, and I’m not entirely sure it’s a life I want. Change is supposed to be a good thing, and I usually welcome it, but this seems like a step backwards, and it’s turning me into a person that I don’t quite enjoy being.

Love Always,
Joanna

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I loved just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” - Diane Ackerman

I told y'all to go read my friend’s blog, Brainstorm About the World. Did you do it? Here’s your reminder.

She recently wrote about her friend Samm who asks herself, “When else am I going to be able to do this?” And I love that. It’s a great way to dive into life and not waste a moment. A question like that takes away your excuses and your reasons for not doing something.

Her bucket list, Thirty Things I Want to Do Before I Hit Thirty, is fantastic, and it inspired me to make my own bucket list.

HubPages

1. Visit Canada with my friends
2. Organize a home office for myself
3. Get published
4. Become a mother
5. Write a book
6. Learn another language
7. Finish my reading list
8. Go skinny dipping (P)
9. Get my healthy body back
10. Graduate from college (P)
11. Graduate from graduate school
12. Run a 5K
13. Visit all 50 states
14. Say “I Do”
15. Stand on the rolling ladder of a library
16. Be interrupted with a kiss, preferably in the rain
17. Make money while shopping using coupons
18. Pull off a pair of overalls
19. Hold off biting my nails long enough to get a manicure
20. Fly without a plane
21. Volunteer abroad

“Because we never stop silently loving those who we once loved out loud.” - Unknown

LABMF

An abuser isn’t always a ex-football player with a strong arm and a short temper. An abuser can hold onto your money, telling you he’ll be smarter with it. An abuser can ask to have sex, again and again, until you give in even though you don’t want to. An abuser can tell you who to hang out with and who not to hang out with. An abuser can tell you what to wear and how to act.

The worst thing an abuser can do is make you feel incredibly worthless and incredibly loved at the same time, because that’s what makes it hard to leave.

An abuser doesn’t always know that they’re an abuser.

My ex had no idea what he was doing to me. He just knew that he loved me so violently, and I loved him back. He never hit me, but I’ve never felt so ashamed to be me than when I was with him.

In Why I Married My Abuser (which I referenced in my blog post: Kristin’s Story and Domestic Violence Awareness/Prevention), the woman writes, “No one knows better than a woman who is being abused that it is wrong.” This is true.

I could feel myself getting sadder and sadder. I could feel myself losing touch with my friends. I could feel myself stress-eating. I could feel myself growing more and more tired because I wouldn’t sleep, waiting for his middle-of-the-night calls. I could feel myself obsessing over him in a way that made me hate myself.

He was in a constant state of self-deprecation and depression. He needed me to be happy for the two of us, and I tried for so long. I really tried. I spent every waking hour of every day thinking about what made him perfect, what made him worth it, and to me, he was. I told him that every chance I got, and I did not get that in return.

I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I was never this girl. I was always noncommittal, detached, and flippant. I always cared less in relationships because I didn’t like relationships. Suddenly, with him, I was attached. I was needy. I was afraid of what would happen to him if, even for a second, he thought I didn’t love him.

And, I begged him to love me. He told me he did, but he reserved telling it to me for when other guys showed interest in me or when he claimed I was the only thing he had in life. There was this incredible pressure on me to be his property, and I worked to be of value.

I was too consumed in proving my love for him that I failed to love myself. I knew it was an unhealthy relationship, but I was too focused to know that I deserved better. I was working to deserve him.

So, how did I get out of this relationship?

For someone who couldn’t live without me, he sure gave up “the only thing that made him happy” pretty damn easily. I stopped engaging with him. I would answer when he called and answer when he messaged, but I would never call first; I would never ask more questions.

It took me months to get over the fact that I had devoted months of my life to a lie. I feel like a fool for putting so much time and energy into this relationship. I do. I know it was wrong and unhealthy, and I wasted my time with it.

But I also feel sad that this person who, for whatever period of time, was my whole world didn’t feel the same way. That confusion is what keeps women in these relationships far longer than they should. That confusion is what makes it so no one can understand without having lived it. That confusion is something that will affect every relationship I have for the rest of my life.

Love Always,
Joanna

“Put your best work first. Some readers are looking for a reason to stop reading from the moment they start your work. Don’t give it to them.” - Elizabeth McCracken, MFA Application Reader at UT-Austin

I started to write about this topic when I was still an applicant, searching for programs far and wide, and basically drowning in information. You can see the beginnings of my struggles in my blog post: It’s So Hard to Find the Right MFA Program! And I wrote a measly 5 sentences before I got accepted to my first MFA program and was too excited to be frustrated anymore.

Now that I’ve enrolled in an MFA program, I have a lot more to say on the topic. Here’s my advice:

1 - Know What You Want to Study

This may seem obvious, but with an MFA, it’s difficult. Many topic differ. For example, I applied for a “Professional Writing” program which encompassed multi-genre creative writing and scriptwriting. I also applied for “Creative Writing” programs where I needed to choose between poetry, fiction, and nonfiction. I also applied to “Screenwriting” programs and “Dramatic Writing” programs which are actually different. I also applied to a “Creative Writing and Publishing” program which included book arts classes.

So many of the programs are different, so you need to know specifically what you want to do. If there are add-ons, great, like publishing arts, but I wanted to study “writing” so I was unprepared for questions like “poetry or fiction?” I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do both, because all I wanted to do was write, to learn everything I possibly could about every genre because in the end, learning one genre will definitely help you in another.

I applied to all these different programs, spending over $1,000 on application fees, GRE study materials, the exam, and sending my scores, plus gifts for the professors and employers who wrote recommendations for me. I did all this because I wasn’t focused enough on what I wanted to do. I was, again, unprepared - not for the work, but for the decisions.

I applied to good schools, figuring if I wasn’t good enough to get into the programs I really wanted, I should probably find a new field anyway. I was prepared for rejection; in fact, I hoped for it. I hoped I would only get into a few schools because that would make my job of deciding a lot easier.

I’m proud to say that I got into some amazing programs, but I’m sad to say that I wasn’t happy when I received the news. When I found out I was accepted to three creative writing programs and one screenwriting program, I cried, and they were stress-tears, not tears of happiness. I would now need to actually decide for myself where my life would lead, and I didn’t like it.

2 - Look at the Classes

When looking at screenwriting programs, specifically, I found a lot of “Screenwriting I,” “Screenwriting II,” and “Screenwriting III” classes. When I talked to current students (something you should always do), they said it was great because you could write whatever you wanted.

I didn’t like that.

I had only learned screenwriting my senior year of college, and I fell in love with it, but I was still green. I wanted to learn the difference between comedy and drama and how to write fantasy without getting too fantastical. I needed classes and professors to teach me that.

Yes, obviously creative freedom was important to me, as it should be to anyone in a creative field, but I doubted that would be taken away from me in a more constructive class setting. When I found the program I’m currently enrolled in, I was drawn to their “Writing for Sketch Comedy” course and “Book Adaptations,” “TV Drama,” and “TV Sitcom” courses. They were all structured and different and I could really learn different skills.

3 - Research Professors and Staff

While most graduate professors aren’t on RateMyProfessor.com, sometimes they are because they teach undergraduate classes as well. Still, most programs advertise their professors on their websites because they want to brag about the people who teach there. Definitely look at them. In fact, a lot of application questions ask what professors you want to work with.

It’s definitely a good idea to look so you know what you’re getting. Just like you should research classes, you could take it one step further and ask for some sample syllabi. Not only will this give you an idea of the workload but also the teaching style.

The program I’m in, for example, doesn’t have full time faculty. The director pulls from working professionals to teach our classes, so the connections we make are real and the advice we get is current. This sounds fantastic, right? I was ecstatic when this was explained to me.

However, that also means there’s a clause in all of our syllabi basically asking that we not bother our professors with work outside of what’s required for class. The working professional professors are busy with their day jobs, and we should just feel honored they’re teaching for us. So, in one class where we’re required to write Act I of our movie, I can’t send in Acts II and III because it wasn’t required. So my idea is stunted, wasted.

4 - Location

Most graduate school programs - creative, business, psychology, anything - require an internship or some other kind of work experience. Even if you’re not required to do one, you should anyway. It’s smart and constructive.

For this reason, you should look into the location of your school. Look at the opportunities around you and the opportunities for after graduation. Screenwriting, you should be in LA or NY. Creative Writing, near a strong English program at a university. Luckily, I’m from New York, so it made it easy to apply to a lot of great schools while still being cost effective. Still, I somehow ended up in LA.

It’s important because, with graduate school, you’ll usually end up living in that state after graduation because that’s where your certifications are, your familiarity lies, and your connections. A lot of jobs are more likely to hire locally because they know the reputation of nearby universities and colleges.

5 - What’s the Cost

This is so important. All graduate school programs are expensive; there’s no way around it. However - unlike medical school, law school, and most business schools - an MFA doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be able to pay back your loans right away. Make sure the cost is manageable.

You also need to consider cost of living wherever you are. While in a screenwriting program I know I need to be in LA or NY, the minimum cost for an apartment is like $1,000 a month, which means I’ll need a job which means less time for classes which means probably an extra year of tuition.

It’s hard.

Also, make sure you know what the cost is. Don’t use last semester’s tuition because tuition goes up basically every year. I remember even as an undergrad always getting letters saying they were increasing tuition. Graduate school is no different.

And make sure you find out from the financial aid office or bursar’s office or student accounts office, whatever your school wants to call it, the definite amount. While being recruited, one of the professors told me that yearly tuition was $5,000 less than it actually was, so my first bill was a pretty big shock. The anger is still quite real.

The moral of the story is - choosing any graduate program is hard, but choosing an MFA program is, sadly, even harder because the programs are so different. You don’t know what you’re getting like in medical school. You can’t just Google “Best MFA Programs” and know what to expect. Everyone’s writing is different, so they’ll require different things from an MFA program.

My advice, most of all, is to know yourself. Know what you want. Then, go after it.

Love Always,
Joanna